Purple Patootie
The day Mike said a nasty word,
We couldn’t believe what we'd heard.
Our teacher's face turned apple red.
“Recess is over!” is all she said.
Knowing we were in big trouble,
We marched to class on the double.
Wondering what she had in store,
We sat and waited, eyed the door.
Her angry silence really chilled us.
Cheese Louise! It nearly killed us!
It seemed like several hours passed
When Ms. Scott spoke to us at last,
“Using bad words is not okay.
Let’s look at this a different way.
That word only means ‘behind.’
Think of others; use your mind!”
Mike laughed and snorted. Some girls giggled.
The other boys slumped and wiggled.
“Don’t just sit there like you’re glued!
Call out words, but nothing crude.”
Pretending that he didn’t hear,
Mike yelled, “Butt!” instead of “Rear!”
“Bottom! Backside! Derriere!”
Words were flying through the air.
“Keister! Rump!” And then “Caboose!”
Did Ms. Scott know what she’d let loose?
“Patootie! Fanny! Booty! Bun!”
Who knew that school could be such fun?
“Seat!” and “Heinie! "Tush!” and “Duff!”
Ms. Scott said, “Thanks, that’s enough!”
We all laughed. Ms. Scott was merry.
“These words are vocabulary.”
“What?” we whined. “Get out! No way!”
We all cried out in great dismay.
“Learn to spell them,” she explained.
“Oh man!” we muttered and complained.
“Tonight at home, no delays,
Write each word in its own phrase.
Tomorrow, we’ll read them all in class.
Do it, please, or you won’t pass.”
Then our smiles began to grow,
Up and down, across each row.
For once our homework couldn’t wait,
And we were thankful for our fate.
It wouldn’t take one bit of swearing
To be funny, smart, and daring.
The next day when we went to school,
We knew that it’d be really cool.
We got to class before the bell,
So Ms. Scott wouldn’t give us — well…
We knew that it was our last chance,
To give our work a final glance.
Mike was laughing — so were we
Luckily no one had to pee.
The bell rang right at 8:15.
Ms. Scott appeared upon the scene.
When she said, “Time to read your work,”
Every kid went berserk!
We all wanted to read first.
Mike looked like he might burst.
Ms. Scott said, “Please read, Danny.”
He said, “A house mouse has a furry fanny.”
Next was Cara; she’s a cutie.
“A baboon has a purple patootie.”
“I’m glad that heinie isn’t meinie!”
Mike said, double daring Dee Dee.
Things were getting awfully loose
When Meg said, “A moose has an odd caboose.”
Sometimes shy, Josh showed no fear,
“A baby deer has a spotted rear!”
Then from Sara, who can be snooty,
“A barn owl has a hooty booty!”
Kyle’s phrase was a lot of fun:
“An elephant bun weighs a ton.”
Robin said, “Camels have humps
On their backs but not their rumps.”
Matt spoke up—he’s the new boy:
“A kangaroo’s keister jumps for joy.”
Dee Dee took Mike's double dare
She said, “I'd stare at a bare derriere!”
Mike laughed so hard he passed some gas.
He grossed out the whole darn class!
Ms. Scott began to count to ten.
Oh no! Here we go again!
The End (so to speak)
